Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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