You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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