Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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