I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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