I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
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hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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