you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize