apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
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Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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