The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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