how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
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i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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