I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every concussion has its silver lining
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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