There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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