He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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