I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
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Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How external is "for external use only"?
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Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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