I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize