A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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