I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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