so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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