This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
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I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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