You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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