you would pick up someone in the library
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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