So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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