The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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