Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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