I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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