you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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