Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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