I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
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I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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