you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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