Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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