You just made me feel so damn special
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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