I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I look better un-naked...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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