We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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