dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
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I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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