How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
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I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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