if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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