finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
