Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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