from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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