Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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