You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
50% drunk capacity currently
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I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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