I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize