she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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