Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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