i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize