I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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