Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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