Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
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She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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