At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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