i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize