i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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