just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize