I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
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i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
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When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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